Who I'm Missing

Tonight as I was preparing things for supper, I had a flash back.
I had turned on itunes and selected a playlist, and as I was walking hither and thither, a song I hadn't heard for quite some time came on. The lyrics are below.

I heard about the day You went away

You said You had to go prepare a place

And even though I’ve never seen Your face

I’m missin’ You

I lie awake tonight and I watch the sky

And I wish it didn’t have to be so high

‘Cause I’m belonging on the other side

And I’m missin’ You

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars

Is Someone who belongs to me

And I know in my deepest heart

There’s a place for You until I find the place You've made for me

But still I’m missin’ You

I dream about Your promise to return

And I wake up hangin’ on Your every word

But for now my feet are planted here on earth

So I’m missin’ You

And even while they say that I’m a fool

I know you see me waiting here for You

Oh, and prayin’ that somehow You’ll get here soon

‘Cause I’m missin’ You

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars

Is Someone who belongs to me

And I know in my deepest heart

There’s a place for You until I find the place You made for me

But still I’m missin’ You

Oh, I’m missin’ You

Lord, I’m missin’ You 

-Chris Rice

The words of the song and the melody tugged at my mind, taking me back a couple of years to a high school dormitory in another country. A friend was working on an essay and had included these lyrics in her writing. She had asked me to look at it and give my opinion. I don't remember what I said, although I'm sure it was positive because anything she writes is amazing. But I remember a little of what she wrote. She wrote about how she misses God. 

Now, a couple of years later, in a completely different country, as well as continent, that song she used in her essay played on my computer. And as I pondered for a brief moment what she'd written back at Fountainview and the lyrics of the song, I thought that's how I would like to be. I would like to come to the point where I love this Jesus so much, that I really miss Him. Being here in Timor has shown me what it's like to truly miss someone. I've learned what it's like to miss someone to the point where it aches so deep and far down in your heart, the tears spill out of your eyes. Sometimes they pour down your cheeks like a drenching tropical rainstorm (I've experienced some of those here). Sometimes it's just a single drop that leaves it's mark on your face, telling of the bigger mark left on your heart. 

It's hard for me to understand missing God like that. I'll be honest that I don't as of now. But I want to. I want to love this God so much that I can honestly say, "Jesus, I miss you so much! Please come quickly!" 

What's also intriguing is that God misses me, someone who rarely pays much attention to Him except when I get into trouble. A girl who says she wants to give God her heart and let Him be her all in all, yet every single day she let's herself get distracted with the shiny, sparkly doo-dads of everyday life. To think that God misses this girl infinitely more than she's missed her friends, family, and home country in all the time she's been away. That goes right over my head. He's in a totally different world, yet He's getting a place ready for me. He's expecting me. He misses me.

 I wonder if He ever cries like I do. I wonder if His heart ever aches so deep and far down that the tears pour down His cheeks like a drenching tropical rainstorm, their marks on His face telling of the bigger mark I've made on His heart. 

As I think about this, part of me says, "No way." I shake my head. It feels like something an insecure person might invent in order to comfort himself and cope. I write about it, yet the reality doesn't sink in, like water off a duck's back. I don't think long enough or hard enough to absorb it all. And that's really the problem. I don't push myself to chew on this mystery long enough or thoroughly enough to let its nutrients penetrate my too-easily pleased, malnourished heart. I'm satisfied with a doughnut and coffee rather than wholesome, nourishing food. 

But if I can just learn to engage my mind, if I can learn to truly pray instead of simply saying a prayer, it will sink in. I can't make it sink in, but He promises that if I'm willing and ask, His spirit will put seeds of understanding and a love for Him in my heart. I will see that all the tinny, shallow toys of this world are nothing in comparison with the Creator who loves me, who's expecting me, who misses me. 

Lord Jesus, help me to understand. Help me to leave even the good things in this life alone long enough that an understanding of Your love for me can sink in and take hold of my life. I'm powerless to fight against my apathetic, contented heart. Resurrect in me a burning desire to know You, the One who misses me more than I could ever fathom in a million lifetimes. Help me, Lord, because I don't know what I'm missing...or rather, who I'm missing. 
Your clueless daughter,
Allie