Broken Vessels

I'm beginning to close a most beautiful chapter of my life entitled "ARISE." Tonight, as part of that closing, I had my last day of outreach. It was time to say goodbye to our contacts and get their information so they could continue studying if they had so chosen. I must say it was beautiful and touching. I was awed with how God could use me to so bless someone else's life. I don't feel like I gave very much. Yet, tonight, as I said goodbye to two women, they both told my outreach partner, Brandon, and I, how thankful they were that we showed up at their door and how blessed they'd been by us. As they spoke, and I saw how God really had used me, I was touched.

The first woman we visited is named TJ. We hadn't actually been having Bible studies with her during our time here at ARISE, but rather we spent time together and formed a great friendship. She used to be a Seventh-day Adventist, but left the church because of some issues with people. She actually came to church once while we've been here at ARISE--the first time I believe in twenty-five years. She believes, as far as I know, many of the basic tenets of Seventh-day Adventism. However, she still doesn't attend church regularly.

During our last talk tonight, she shared with us (over her homemade cookies and tea) that she wanted to give a donation toward ARISE. This surprised us. She also told us that she was just so thankful that she'd met us and we had come knocking on her door. She told us she felt like this was an "Elisha and the ravens" kind of situation. She was Elisha and we were the ravens bringing her food (she actually said she wasn't sure between Brandon and I who was the raven and who was the food; Brandon said I could be the raven). She lives by herself and has problems with her hands so I'm not sure how much she works or gets out to do things. So to have two young people come and chat with her every once in a while was a bigger deal than I thought.

To be told you're like the raven bringing food is simply beautiful and puts me in awe. I didn't feel like I gave this woman that much. She often would talk to Brandon and I about what was going on in our lives and acted as a mentor. Yet she said we were feeding her! I'm just astounded at how God can use such earthly, broken vessels to do such amazing things.

The second woman we visited is named Chantell. We met Chantell the first day of outreach. I don't believe it was any coincidence either.

A day or so before we showed up, she had just been notified that her license for having a daycare in her home had been suspended. Then we happened to show up on her driveway and ask her if she would be willing to do a survey. She was and was also interested in studying the Bible. So for the past three months-ish, Brandon and I have been studying some different topics with her. The topics included the Word of God, the Sanctuary, the Great Controversy, and the Trinity. She readily accepted what we had to offer and actually was already familiar with much of it. However, all the while she's been carrying the stress of not having an income and being unable to provide for her family as she normally would. Her license was revoked based on some allegations made against her. It has really been a struggle for her since she feels like she's been doing everything right, and yet life is still spinning out of control. There were times when she didn't even get out of bed.

Now, as we're about to leave the ARISE program, she found out she will not be given her license back. However, she told us tonight that she'll continue as a private baby-sitter. She also told us something else that kind of shocked both Brandon and I.

As we were eating our supper and talking about how fast time had gone by, she told us that our studies with her is what kept her going through these stressful months of her life. She said there was a point where she was considering suicide, but the thought of our studies kept her going. I don't know if she was actually at that point, but I do think we made more of an impact on her than we realized, which like I said before, it totally floored me. I guess right now, I'm just in awe of how God can use weak, selfish, easily-intimidated me to bless people. I'm such a broken vessel, yet look what He can do!

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us."--2 Corinthians 4:7

Though I'm so weak and plagued by doubts and fears, God uses me. He takes the little that I have to give and multiplies it and then lets me have the privilege of seeing His handiwork and incredible results. I can't wait till heaven when I can see the full and final results of the work done here on earth.

So here's a challenge: Let God use you. Step out of your comfort zone. Hand out a GLOW tract. Talk to someone. Do something. Let Him use the broken vessel--your heart--to win someone else. It's beautiful. It's inspiring. It's a work you don't want to miss out on.

Also, pray for me. Pray that when I go home, I will take with me this vision and desire.

It's Been Way Toooooooo Long!!!!

Wow. It has been a realllllllyyyyy long time since I've posted. And to be honest, I don't think this post will be very good quality because I'm just writing it off the top of my head (and there isn't much there, you know).

So I'll give you a very brief (as well as inadequate) update from the last time I posted. I got back home July 13th from my nearly ten-month stay in East Timor. It was good to be with family again. Not much had changed. It felt kind of like I had just left them the way they were and then I picked up where I left off. I also wasn't sure how the transition would be for me coming back to the U. S. But it actually didn't feel like there was much of a transition. Maybe the time in Singapore and Korea helped.

I was able to see my newest nephew, Gabriel Jacob Arceo, finally! My sister Caitlin flew from BC, Canada to visit. I was also able to see my cousin Roxanne earlier in the summer. She came all the way from Australia. It was good to see her again.

Let's see here. I did a bit of shopping for things for ARISE. I also did a bit of driving and was able to get my license. *Whew!

When August 22 rolled around, I flew up to Fountainview with my little sister just to visit. It was very nice to see some old friends and to meet the new students. Making the connection with the girls there was very good, especially since I'll be their new dean in January! After Fountainview, I swung by Kelowna, BC to visit a dear friend of mine, Val Jacobson.  (Check out her blog at www.valeriejacobson.blogspot.com.) We spent the weekend together, which was quite nice since we hadn't seen each other since we graduated. However, I was getting over being sick so I had lost my voice and paired with the fact that I was feeling shy, I didn't talk much while I was there.

Now, to bring you all up to the present. Early Monday morning, on September 3, Val and I flew from Kelowna to Eugene, Oregon. We're both attending the ARISE Bible college, located in Jasper, Oregon. It's been pretty amazing so far. I also was pleasantly surprised with how many people I knew ended out coming to the program. And if I didn't already know them, turns out they used to babysit my old pastor's triplets or they canvassed with my classmate's cousin (the SDA world is so small).

The program is kind of a paradox. It's intense, yet also somewhat chill. We go on outreach twice a week (Thursday and Sunday). We have roughly six hours of class Monday through Thursday. During the week, we provide our own suppers. On weekends, we're responsible for all our meals.

The local church (we attend the one in Springfield) has been very kind and friendly.

Oh, as far as testimonies go, I had a neat experience with my outreach partner. It was our last door and the lady we met was very nice. We did the survey, asking all the questions, and in the process found out that she used to be and Adventist but had left the church (it sounded like) due to people issues. When we explained that we were Adventist, she asked where we were going to church and when the services were. She told us that she had been trying to find a group of Sabbath keepers to worship with and that she would come to church that week. Wonder of wonders, she did! I sat next to her and found out she's quite the spunky, old gal! I kinda hope I have that spark still when I'm her age.

Oh, more about the program. We have rotation duties (nice euphemism for chores) that change every week. For the past two weeks my group (unofficially known as The Mighty Men!...And Some Girls) has had chores that tend to keep us up late. But I'm very happy because this week we're on call, which basically means we get to work very hard at doing nothing (we just have to be available to help with whatever).

The interns here have a program going on Sundays called "Food, Not Bombs." It's an outreach for homeless people that provides meals. I've been on it a couple of times and really enjoyed it. These are just a couple pictures from it. Actually, they serve the food and give out literature at a park area. But since I was just standing around, one of the interns asked if I wanted to walk around and take pictures, which is how I got these shots. I'm sorry. They're not very good shots. I've been so bad with taking pictures lately. I've been feeling like I'm almost like I'm in an identity crises when it comes to my hobbies, but that's another story.

But to get to the point, my friend Bryant and I walked around the streets of Eugene, him asking people if I could take their pictures (yay for street photography!). When I had finished getting the shots I wanted, Bryant would give them a glow. It was pretty fun. I just wish I knew more about lighting so I could get better shots. :(

This guy actually gave us his "Beanitos," which were not very tasty according to Bryant.

Anyway, it's getting late...well, not really. I mean it kind of is. It's 9:30ish. The problem is that my body has gotten used to going to bed late, so now I'm not as tired as I want to be at this time. *Sigh.

So, signing off for now. I wish I had a fancier way of ending this. Ho hum. Oh, well. Such is life.

First Day in Korea

So I've been in Korea a couple of days now. The first day I had some funny experiences. I wrote them down on Friday, but I didn't post them until now. So I hope you enjoy.

OK, so this is another one of those posts where Allie is too tired to do a lot of editing to her writing and fill it with fanciful figures of speech, but rather gives you the poorly written (but usually funnier, though not always) upchuck version of what’s been going on in her life.

So I flew out of Singapore last night at about eleven o’clock. Saying goodbye to Miguel and Paulo was super hard (Ruth was back in Timor so I already said goodbye to her). I cried big Allie-gator tears. So did Miguel. We were both also super tired because we’d been staying up late previous nights. So I’m sure that affected things.

I got into Korea this morning at 6:00 AM. Since this morning, I’ve had some very interesting and slightly humorous experiences. Getting through customs was very easy. I went to Jamba Juice for breakfast. However, before I could buy my smoothie and croissant, I had to exchange my American money for Korean. I went to the counter that said, “Currency Exchange” and asked the dude if I could exchange my money. As he was doing his thing, he asked me where I was from. I told him that I was from the States. Then he said something that kind of threw me off for a second. He said something along the lines of, “Ah. Very cute.”

Me: “Huh?”

Him: “You’re very cute, very pretty.”

Me: “Oh, thank you [or something like that].”

Yeah, I was thinking, “This guy is old. I’ve just gotten off a plane and I look horrible. I haven’t even brushed my teeth this morning. How can he think I’m cute?” Yeah, so that was the first funny thing.

I took a bus to a city near Hannah and David’s house. Then Hannah and her mother met me at the bus stop. It was raining cats and dogs the whole morning. So I was really happy to see Hannah; I love that girl.

We got to her house. I was going to take a shower, but I decided I should have my devotions first. However, I did need to go to the bathroom. So I went in and did my thing. Then the time came to flush. However, I was baffled as to what to do because I looked down and saw there were approximately 73.29 different buttons on side of the toilette seat. I didn’t know which one to push. Hmmm… So I looked the purple one that looked like it was depicting a flushing motion and decided to give it a whirl (no pun intended). Out from the back of the toilette seat comes this little white stick. Then, with no warning whatsoever, I was violently attacked by a stream of water shooting up at a 45 ° angle, with power similar to that of Niagara Falls.

I couldn’t keep in my laughter. “Hannah, can you show me how to use your toilette?”

David: “Are you all right in there?”

Then we ate a wonderful lunch of Korean food. I actually used chopsticks a little too.

David, Hannah, and I hung out and talked about Fountainview. Eventually I packed my little bag with stuff to go to Sharon’s place (Hannah informed me this morning that I was leaving her house that afternoon to go to Sharon’s place).

I was on the train for about two and a half hours. Korea has some beautiful country. It’s very lush and green, although it’s been foggy, cloudy, and rainy all day today no matter where I travel. L

So Sharon met me at the train station. We grabbed a taxi and she took me to a Korean street market where I proceeded to photograph all the crazy things people eat here (otherwise you wouldn’t believe me if I told you). We walked around for a while. Sharon bought me a couple of things to try eating. Some were interesting. Some were tasty.

Then we got a bus to head to the hospital where Sharon’s mom works. I was feeling tired from walking and traveling, etc. So Sharon suggested that I lie down on her camera bag, which was on her lap. After a few minutes I felt a hand touch my shirtsleeve and then begin to rub my shoulder.

“Oh, Sharon, it’s been so long since I’ve had a back massage.”

“Um…Allie, I’m not massaging your back. This old lady is.”

At first I thought she was just joking (that would something Sharon would do), but to my utter horror, I look up to see that in fact, the complete stranger I was sitting next to, an elderly-ish lady, was rubbing my back. The bizarre back rubber just laughed and lightly patted my back, trying to get me to lie back down again. I did as I began to laugh quietly. I don’t think I’ve ever had that happen to me before. Needless to say, I thought it was a little strange and very hilarious. Sharon suggested we move seats. I hope she wasn’t offended.

So, now Sharon and I are in the hospital where we’ll be staying (I know you could make a lot of jokes about that). They’re having a vespers service now. I think they’re just having song service right now. I think I should shower though before I make an appearance.

So, I’m going to end this now. I hope you maybe got some chuckles from my adventures in Korea. I know I have, but I think it’s partly because I’m also very tired. That tends to affect me a lot.

Singapore

Allrighty, so I'm in Singapore as of yesterday afternoon. It's been very nice to just rest. 

The people I'm staying with have been wonderful. They took us to a light show at Marina Bay last night. I know the pictures aren't the greatest. I didn't have a tripod so that made things a little bit difficult. But yeah, I hope you enjoy them. Next stop: Seoul, Korea.

A Rambling Farewell

I'm done packing. As I've been browsing on the web this morning, I thought it might be a good time to blog a farewell to East Timor. I wasn't planning on blogging this morning so, as the title says, it's probably going to be a bit of a ramble.

I've been here in Timor for nine and a half months. Today I fly to Singapore with the little boy I've come to treat more as a little brother and his father. We're going to stay there for two days so I can see what Singapore is like. Then we part ways; they go to Portugal and I head to Korea, and then finally the U.S.A.

It's hard to explain what I'm really feeling right now. Excited? Yeah. Strange? Yes, very much. After being in a third-world country for this long, it's going to be strange living in the States again. People here have tried to explain to me what it's like and help prepare me, which I'm thankful for. I'm also thankful that I'll be in Korea for a little while with friends. Hopefully that time will help me to adjust a little.

I'm going to miss some things from Timor (the heat and humidity is NOT one of them).

I'm going to miss the smallness and closeness of the church here.
I'm going to miss my Portuguese family. They've treated me as their daughter instead of their employee, which has been a mammoth blessing to me. Yes, there have been times where I really wanted to smack my student, but I've come to love him like a little brother.
I'm going to miss those little sea-side restaurants where I can get a fresh lychee juice and lebanese bread to dip in garlic paste and hummus.
I'm going to miss the freshness, variety, and adventure I've been able to experience here in Timor through the people I've been able to meet and just the experience.

I feel like I've just made a million dollar deposit in the bank of life experiences.

It's really been a good year. It's been one of the best things I've ever done. I've learned and grown so much, it makes the hard times completely worth it.

However, I'm so excited to see my family. I'm excited to be able to hang out with my little brother, sister, and nephew. I'm excited to drive on roads that have no pot holes. I'm excited to be able to walk to the park. I'm excited to go running in the morning by myself. I'm excited to go to Taco bell. I'm excited to be able to drive up to the mountains. I'm excited to be in a place where the humidity is very low. I'm excited to be with people I already know and don't have to go through the whole process of getting to know them. I'm excited to not be the stranger or foreigner anymore.

But it's also strange. I just hope I don't forget the things I've felt, seen, and heard. I hope that I can utilize the tools I've collected here and use them to bless others. It's just going to be strange. Life is so different in the States. There's so much...stuff. While I've been here, life has had more of a focus on things that matter: my relationships with others, helping out in the church. There's not much to do here in Dili, so you really just hang out with your friends a lot. It's good though. I think that in the N. America, we sometimes get focused on the stuff, the things that don't matter. We forget to nurture those relationships God has blessed us with. We try to squeeze them in between all our other things to do. This is something I hope to take with me back to the States. I want to make the most of my family and friends and stay focused on what matters in life.

I also hope that I can live my life always keeping a bigger picture of what the world is like in mind. I feel like I've seen a different side of the world that I wouldn't have glimpsed had I never left the U.S. I pray I don't forget this side of the world.

Yeah, there's a lot to process and think about. It's so strange. And I still have to say goodbye to my Portugeuse family (that's going to be hard).

But I know God has lead me this far. Psalms 146:9 says, "The LORD preserveth the strangers..." I know God has preserved me this year and He will continue to lead and guide me throughout the rest of this journey. I don't have everything mapped out. But that's OK. I know He does. So, as I close this chapter called "East Timor," I'm excited to start the new one and see what God has planned.

This picture of me was taken by my amazing friend and photographer, Ruth Grilo. You can see her work here at www.whitesharkrunner.blogspot.com
I love you, Ruth! I'm going to miss you guys!

He Knows What It's Like

This is a poem I wrote recently. I hope you can relate and are blessed by it. (By the way, please don't think my time here has been all horrible. Homesickness is something inevitable and this poem is simply showing what I've learned from it.)

 For verily He took not on Him the nature of angels; but He took on Him the seed of Abraham. Wherefore in all things it behoved Him to be made like unto His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make reconciliation for the sins of the people. For in that He Himself hath suffered being tempted, He is able to succour them that are tempted. 
-Hebrews 2:16-18, KJV

Thousands of miles away,

A country not her own,

Language, culture, all so new,

Her heart aches for her home

She’d known it would be painful,

She’d grow right from the start

But she never could’ve guessed

That it would be this hard

And the tears fall from her eyes

Cause she knows what it’s like

To be in the midst of the crowd

Yet feel you’re all alone,

To strain for the familiar

In the foreign and unknown

To feel like no one fathoms

How much you really take,

To miss someone so badly

Your heart can only ache

Yes, the tears fall from her eyes

Cause she knows what it’s like

Son of God, in a country

So different from His own,

Steeped within a world of sin

His heart aches for His home

His human nature longed for

His sleeping friends to care

But in His darkest anguish,

Our Lord had no one there

And the tears fall from His eyes

Cause He knows what it’s like

  

To be in the midst of a crowd

Yet feel you’re all alone,

To strain for the familiar

In the foreign and unknown

To feel like no one fathoms

How much you really take

To miss someone so badly

You feel your heart will break

Yes, the tears fall from His eyes,

Cause He knows what it’s like

No matter what you’re going through

The Son of Man has been there too

He offers now His strength to you

Cause He knows what it’s like,

To be in the midst of a crowd

Yet feel you’re all alone,

To strain for the familiar

In the foreign and unknown

To feel like no one fathoms

How much you really take

To miss someone so badly

You feel your heart will break

Yes, the tears fall from His eyes

Cause He knows what it’s like

Sshhh...Are You Listening?

This morning I was reading in Desire of Ages, in the chapter, "We Have Found the Messiah." I learned some things that I thought I might share.

Why is it that only two smelly fisherman were able to recognize and follow the Messiah that day on the banks of the Jordan River while the majority of the people and the religious leaders in Israel never spoke a word to Him? I believe it's because of a couple things. Namely this: when we refuse to listen to the Spirit, no matter what it is, our hearts become hardened. And because our hearts our hard, we're unwilling to let go of our own preconceived ideas. We then miss out on bigger opportunities for growth in our relationship with God because those opportunities didn't meet our expectations. This is why the majority of the people, the scribes, pharisees, and religious leaders of the day didn't accept Jesus when John so unequivocally pointed Him out.

OK, now the fun part: how did I come to that conclusion? Well, let's start with John the Baptist...

John was the voice crying in the wilderness. It was his job to prepare the way for the Messiah. He was to be the Holy Spirit's tool in preparing the people's hearts, so that when the Messiah came, they would be ready to receive him.

In the chapter I read, Ellen White writes that in the ancient times, when a king was going to travel through part of his kingdom that he rarely went through, they would send men ahead to prepare the way. They would fill up the chuck holes and level all the bumps and small hills in the road so that the king might ride in safety. This is the work of the Holy Spirit, and John was a tool He used to perform this task, to prepare the way for the Messiah. The Spirit, through John, leveled human pride and filled the holes of evil in the people's hearts.

"When the Spirit of God, with its marvelous awakening power, touches the soul, it abases human pride. Worldly pleasure and position and power are seen to be worthless. 'Imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God' are cast down; every thought is brought into captivity 'to the obedience of Christ.' 2 Corinthians 10:5. Then humility and self-sacrificing love, so little valued among men, are exalted as alone of worth. This is the work of the gospel, of which John's message was a part" (Desire of Ages, pg. 135).

Now, what happened to the priests and leaders and all the other random people who never found the Messiah when John so bluntly pointed Him out at the Jordan River? Well, I'll let these quotes explain that...

"During the preceding months of the Baptist's ministry, many had refused to heed the call to repentance. Thus they had hardened their hearts and darkened their understanding. When Heaven bore testimony to Jesus at His baptism, they perceived it not. Eyes that had never been turned in faith to Him that is invisible beheld not the revelation of the glory of God; ears that had never listened to His voice heard not the words of the witness" (Desire of Ages, pg. 136.1, emphasis added).

And then later on, when John points Jesus out again as the Lamb of God, she writes...
"To the multitude, however, it seemed impossible that the One designated by John should be associated with their lofty anticipations. Thus many were disappointed, and greatly perplexed. The words which the priests and rabbis so much desired to hear, that Jesus would now restore the kingdom to Israel, had not been spoken. For such a king they had been waiting and watching; such a king they were ready to receive. But one who sought to establish in their hearts a kingdom of righteousness and peace, they would not accept" (Desire of Ages, pg. 138.3).

How on earth could this happen? You'd think that because John so bluntly and clearly pointed out Jesus as the Messiah, that even an idiot would recognize Him. But sadly, when we refuse to listen to that still, small Voice, we become blind to the obvious. Because the people hadn't listened to the Holy Spirit's pleading voice when He first began to speak through John, they were not willing to let go of their own expectations. So when the signs became more obvious and Jesus actually was walking among them, rubbing shoulders with them, they still failed of recognizing and accepting the world's Savior because He didn't meet their expectations. 

What about Andrew and John, Jesus' first two followers? How did they end up following Him and then asking the fateful question, "...Rabbi, where dwellest thou?" (John 1:38 KJV).

"They [John and Andrew] had responded to the Holy Spirit's call in the preaching of John the Baptist. Now they recognized the voice of the heavenly Teacher. To them the words of Jesus were full of freshness and truth and beauty. A divine illumination was shed upon the teaching of the Old Testament Scriptures. The many-sided themes of truth stood out in new light" (Desire of Ages, pg. 139.2, emphasis added).

Andrew and John had preconceived ideas about the Messiah's mission just like the Scribes and Pharisees and everyone else living in that time. They longed for a king full of splendor and power, who would make Israel the ruling nation of the world once more. But what made the difference? What made them get up and trot after that Man who looked so much like anyone else, so unlike a king? The difference was that when they first heard the Spirit speaking through John, they listened. They responded. So even though they still had some misplaced expectations [not sure if that's the correct term], the Spirit made them willing to let go of those expectations, to see that there could be something more to this Messiah than what they'd originally thought. Thus they were still able to recognize and follow the Savior, despite their preconceived ideas.

So, what's the practical application in all of this?


When we listen to the Spirit's voice in the small things, He will prepare us to let go of any preconceived ideas we may have. Then when Jesus comes walking down our way in life, offering us larger opportunities for growth, we'll be ready to jump up and follow Him, and like the disciples, ask, "Where are you staying?" (see John 1:38).  

So listen to the Spirit when He calls you today. No matter what it is, listen. Do what He asks you to do. The only way we can ensure that we will recognize and follow Jesus when He calls us is if we are listening to Him today in the small things. We all have preconceived ideas about what God should do in our lives, expectations that we don't even know about, just like the scribes, pharisees, and the disciples. However, if we make it a habit to listen to the Spirit the best we know how right now, He'll make us willing to let go of those misplaced expectations; He'll level all those bumps and chuck holes in our hearts, and we'll be ready for when Jesus walks into our lives and calls us to follow Him. Our eyes will be open to the obvious. 

All we need to do is listen and respond.

Sshhh...Are you listening?

I Am So Rich

When I first arrived in Timor-Leste, I was shocked at how poor the people were. Now, eight months later, I find myself not thinking as much about it. It's frightening what a person can get used to. I see little children bathing in the gutters, old men and women along the streets, begging their wares. They'll probably only get a buck or two today. Yet it doesn't really faze me much. I find myself thinking of what I'm going to do when I get home (departure day is drawing close), thinking of all the luxuries I've missed. It isn't a bad thing. 

What is bad is that fact that I forget so quickly how rich I am and how poor they are. It's not just bad, it's frightening. I see these people everyday and forget that my monthly paycheck is about eight times the amount of theirs. But I'm not only financially well off in comparison. My life is also rich in a million other ways. My parents are both still alive and love me. All my brothers and sisters are still alive. Neither of my parents drink or smoke. My father doesn't beat me. My uncle hasn't raped me. I know the Lord and have a hope after this life. I'm not chained by fear of the spirits of dead persons. I have a good education in not only academic things, but hygiene and sanitation. I'm healthy. I have plenty of clothes to wear. I have a warm bed and roof over my head. I have running water inside my house and clean water to drink. That in itself is a huge blessing. There are so many people here in Dili, the country's capital, that don't have running water in their houses. 

And despite these ever present reminders I have, I'm so quick to forget that I am rich, so rich. 

I complain when the internet isn't working or when I haven't gotten enough sleep. I'm irritated when there's no hot water. When I don't get everything I want to accomplished in school, I become angry. When I miss my friends and family, I throw a big pity party for myself. How quickly I forget that I am so rich.  

However, today, I had a visual reminder of how rich I am, how blessed I am. After church, a small group of kids from Adventurers, Paulo, and myself, met at the National Hospital of Timor-Leste. One Adventurer's mom works there as a nurse, educating and trying to raise the nursing standards. The kids had to visit some shut-ins as a requirement for Adventurers. So they had arranged to visit the pediatric ward at the hospital and pass out goodies to the children there. 

It was so saddening to see what the hospital was like. It was a night and day difference from the hospitals I'm used to being in back in the States. I wish the pictures below could more accurately portray the way things were. I wish I could transport each of you reading this to Timor-Leste for just a little while, so you could see what I see.

Those who needed oxygen had huge tanks at the end of the bed. The kids have nothing to do all day long. Services are free, however, families have to provide almost all the meals, I'm told. The woman who was guiding us around told me that basically, she has to work without equipment. I can't even tell you everything. I didn't get a run-down of what the hospital is lacking or how inferior the service was. I just saw the difference between Timor-Leste's national hospital and the ones back home. It was shocking.

I'm told the hospital is a lot better than it used to be. A couple of years ago they had many IDP's (Internally Displaced Persons) absolutely flooding the place. There were chickens, pigs, along with all the people staying there. It was a mess. Today it is much better. But still, I am reminded how rich I am. 

It really brought joy to my heart though, to walk around the ward, taking pictures, smiling, waving, shaking hands, and seeing them smile back. We were only there for half an hour or so, yet I'm sure those kids loved it. 

There was one boy who was so very smiley. His name was Jimmy. He had a blood clotting disease. However, the hospital doesn't have the ability to provide the substances he'll need for the rest of his life.  So he's at risk of bleeding to death. 

This is Jimmy. 

I've been frightened at the way I've so quickly gotten used to the poverty here in Timor. I hope, even more than realizing how rich I am, that God will always keep my eyes wide open to the evil around me, always aware of the sickness in this world and the sickness of sin inside of me. It's so easy to simply get used to it and not give that dirty little boy a second thought. It's so easy to be mediocre and not fight against the evil so blatant and raw in this country. I pray that God can wake me up so that I may always be sensitive to the sin around me. I pray that I won't be so numb to evil that I cease to fight against it.

I hope you can be blessed by these pictures and that you will realize not only how rich you are, but also wake up and be sensitive to the sin in your own world and fight against it. 

Who I'm Missing

Tonight as I was preparing things for supper, I had a flash back.
I had turned on itunes and selected a playlist, and as I was walking hither and thither, a song I hadn't heard for quite some time came on. The lyrics are below.

I heard about the day You went away

You said You had to go prepare a place

And even though I’ve never seen Your face

I’m missin’ You

I lie awake tonight and I watch the sky

And I wish it didn’t have to be so high

‘Cause I’m belonging on the other side

And I’m missin’ You

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars

Is Someone who belongs to me

And I know in my deepest heart

There’s a place for You until I find the place You've made for me

But still I’m missin’ You

I dream about Your promise to return

And I wake up hangin’ on Your every word

But for now my feet are planted here on earth

So I’m missin’ You

And even while they say that I’m a fool

I know you see me waiting here for You

Oh, and prayin’ that somehow You’ll get here soon

‘Cause I’m missin’ You

‘Cause somewhere behind those stars

Is Someone who belongs to me

And I know in my deepest heart

There’s a place for You until I find the place You made for me

But still I’m missin’ You

Oh, I’m missin’ You

Lord, I’m missin’ You 

-Chris Rice

The words of the song and the melody tugged at my mind, taking me back a couple of years to a high school dormitory in another country. A friend was working on an essay and had included these lyrics in her writing. She had asked me to look at it and give my opinion. I don't remember what I said, although I'm sure it was positive because anything she writes is amazing. But I remember a little of what she wrote. She wrote about how she misses God. 

Now, a couple of years later, in a completely different country, as well as continent, that song she used in her essay played on my computer. And as I pondered for a brief moment what she'd written back at Fountainview and the lyrics of the song, I thought that's how I would like to be. I would like to come to the point where I love this Jesus so much, that I really miss Him. Being here in Timor has shown me what it's like to truly miss someone. I've learned what it's like to miss someone to the point where it aches so deep and far down in your heart, the tears spill out of your eyes. Sometimes they pour down your cheeks like a drenching tropical rainstorm (I've experienced some of those here). Sometimes it's just a single drop that leaves it's mark on your face, telling of the bigger mark left on your heart. 

It's hard for me to understand missing God like that. I'll be honest that I don't as of now. But I want to. I want to love this God so much that I can honestly say, "Jesus, I miss you so much! Please come quickly!" 

What's also intriguing is that God misses me, someone who rarely pays much attention to Him except when I get into trouble. A girl who says she wants to give God her heart and let Him be her all in all, yet every single day she let's herself get distracted with the shiny, sparkly doo-dads of everyday life. To think that God misses this girl infinitely more than she's missed her friends, family, and home country in all the time she's been away. That goes right over my head. He's in a totally different world, yet He's getting a place ready for me. He's expecting me. He misses me.

 I wonder if He ever cries like I do. I wonder if His heart ever aches so deep and far down that the tears pour down His cheeks like a drenching tropical rainstorm, their marks on His face telling of the bigger mark I've made on His heart. 

As I think about this, part of me says, "No way." I shake my head. It feels like something an insecure person might invent in order to comfort himself and cope. I write about it, yet the reality doesn't sink in, like water off a duck's back. I don't think long enough or hard enough to absorb it all. And that's really the problem. I don't push myself to chew on this mystery long enough or thoroughly enough to let its nutrients penetrate my too-easily pleased, malnourished heart. I'm satisfied with a doughnut and coffee rather than wholesome, nourishing food. 

But if I can just learn to engage my mind, if I can learn to truly pray instead of simply saying a prayer, it will sink in. I can't make it sink in, but He promises that if I'm willing and ask, His spirit will put seeds of understanding and a love for Him in my heart. I will see that all the tinny, shallow toys of this world are nothing in comparison with the Creator who loves me, who's expecting me, who misses me. 

Lord Jesus, help me to understand. Help me to leave even the good things in this life alone long enough that an understanding of Your love for me can sink in and take hold of my life. I'm powerless to fight against my apathetic, contented heart. Resurrect in me a burning desire to know You, the One who misses me more than I could ever fathom in a million lifetimes. Help me, Lord, because I don't know what I'm missing...or rather, who I'm missing. 
Your clueless daughter,
Allie